was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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