Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
