I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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