Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
