Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
