Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
