Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
