Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
