i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
