I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
