people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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