someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
