I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
