sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
