i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
