did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you still have your period?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize