i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize