Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
