what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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