This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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