Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
