he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
