you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
