Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
