nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
