Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
