ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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