she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
