dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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