You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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