i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
