woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize