The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
