I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
