Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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