Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
