We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize