guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
