My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize