So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
whose parrot is this?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
