Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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