My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
They took my balls.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
