I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
