they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize