I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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