I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
