They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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