This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
FUCK WHALES
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize