I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
