bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
