my vag is so smooth its legendary
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
