I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
