Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
