Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
