I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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