I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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