i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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