So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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