she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
