i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize