The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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